A Mother's Reckoning: Living in the Aftermath of Tragedy by Sue Klebold

5 stars, but I definitely didn't find this book enjoyable. I couldn't put it down, but it was also one of the most difficult books I have ever read. I found myself shocked, horrified, and heartbroken all at once, and I often had to stop reading to gather my emotions. I was brought to tears many times, and despite the criticism Sue Klebold has received, I have nothing but admiration for her after reading her book. This book is terrifying in the portrait we receive of Dylan Klebold, not because he was a violent sociopath, obsessed with guns, who was disrespectful to teachers and parents, but because he wasn't. He was, by most accounts, a normal teenager. There were no major red flags, and although Klebold definitely has parenting regrets and things that, in hindsight, she would have done differently, for the most part, she was a good mom. She tried to instill values of respect in her children, they were punished when they did wrong, they weren't permitted to drink or do drugs at the home, and the Klebolds DID look through their sons' rooms, despite claims to the contrary. Her two biggest regrets were not reading Dylan's journals out of respect for his privacy (he had been harboring depressed and suicidal thoughts for years before the massacre, these thoughts turning violent a few months before the shooting), and not pressing him when things seemed emotionally off, trusting that teenagers were moody and didn't always want to talk about things. I know I went to high school with students who were raised in homes with parenting skills much more flawed than the Klebolds. As easy as it is to blame the parents when things go wrong, that is not always the case, as is made all too evident in this book. Any time something terrible happens, whether it is as devastating as the events in Columbine, or as minor as a student failing a class, inevitably, people will say "Where were the parents?". As an educator, this is something I have heard (and said myself) countless times when teenagers act out or fail to do what is expected of them. Working in a small private school, with parents who are extremely involved, has taught me pretty quickly that lack of parenting is not always the case in negative situations. Oftentimes, problem students are the ones with rough home lives, however, some of my most difficult students come from families who love and care for them more than words can say, and some of my best and kindest students come from family dynamics I cannot fathom. I believe in order to move forward, we must show empathy to mothers like Sue Klebold. My heart ached for her, and I in no way believe she was responsible for the actions of her son. That being said, Klebold in no way tries to minimize her responsibility. She never tries to shift blame, she never makes excuses for her son's actions, she owns up to her parenting failures, and she is completely honest in all of her thoughts and feelings surrounding this situation, even when they weren't so pretty. This has opened her up to quite a bit of criticism, but I applaud her honesty, as well as her efforts to prevent something like this from happening again: 100% of her proceeds from this book go to mental health research and charities. Perhaps the most difficult thing to read about was how Klebold prayed for her son to die once she learned he was shooting others. She still feels guilt about that prayer to this day. She is also unflinchingly honest about her emotions in the days to follow the atrocities. She reveals her denial that her son could have done something so horrible, and addresses the criticism of her own actions immediately following. No one truly knows how they would behave in the aftermath of overwhelming grief, and it is a slippery slope we climb when we begin to judge the grieving process of others. It is easy to condemn those who do horrible things and think of them as monsters. Sue Klebold takes the difficult road and shows her readers that wasn't always the case with her son. She attempts to show his humanity, and though she never minimizes her shame and horror at what he has done, she also never denies how much she loved (and still does love) him. I am not sure if any mother, no matter who their child is, can stop loving them. I know my own mother has told me countless times she loves me more than anything "no matter what", and I think Sue Klebold is the epitome of unwavering motherly love. She publicly declares her love for perhaps one of the most unlovable young men in history. Even if the anecdotes that make Dylan seem more human are lies and figments of Klebold’s imagination, can we blame her for clinging to them? What mother would be able to live with herself if there wasn’t some type of explanation for these horrific actions, like the suicidal depression she cites? She states one of her biggest fears is wondering where her child is now...not only is he dead, he’s done unspeakable things and is probably consigned to hell. How do you even begin to deal with those thoughts? How could she go on if she didn’t believe her positive memories were real and not just a fabrication? We will never know the truth, but even if her memories aren’t accurate, can we begrudge her the illusion? Perhaps one of the biggest reasons blame shifts to the family in tragedies like this is because it is so much easier to believe we do everything right, so nothing like that could happen behind our doors. It would perhaps be easier to understand Dylan Klebold's actions had his parents been racist, abusive, uneducated people who fed his ego and dished out no repercussions for his actions. That is not the case. Sue Klebold seems like a woman I could respect and be friends with. She loves literature and art (her sons were both named for famous poets), prior to the events she was a teacher and advocate for the disabled, and now she is a huge proponent for mental health and suicide awareness. I found myself angry with Dylan not only for all the evil he inflicted, but for the selfish pain he placed upon his mother that she will deal with for the rest of her life. This is a woman who loved her children with every fiber of her being, and she still was unable to predict this. That is perhaps the most frightening thing of all. I believe this book is not just a horror story of parenting gone wrong, it is a valuable resource to parents and teachers alike. If you interact with young adults on a daily basis, I cannot recommend this book enough. While reading, I came to so many realizations about my students I hadn't even thought about before, and I am already planning some different teaching strategies because of what I learned from this book. Klebold mentions many things she wishes she would have done differently, the signs she missed, and her advice to parents moving forward. I believe Dylan gave several cries for help that were missed by teachers and parents alike, and I know I will now be much more diligent about trying to recognize these signs. There is clearly an epidemic in our country with regards to violence in schools. It is something I think about often, and I have honestly considered all perspectives and solutions. I am a Conservative who supports gun rights, with a father and brother who own multiple guns that I have been exposed to my entire life, and I still believe that something needs to change with gun legislature. It should not be so easy to obtain guns (these boys purchased their guns at a gun show, at age 17, without their parents' knowledge or consent). I believe we need stricter security measures with metal detectors and armed guards at all schools. Most importantly, however, I believe we need to do something before we even get to that point. Even if they had not been able to obtain guns, they still made pipe bombs. Even if there had been armed guards, there would have been casualties before they were able to stop things. There is one major driving factor behind Columbine and many other school shootings...in my opinion, the biggest (and deadliest) epidemic in American high schools is bullying. I graduated high school in 2010, and I remember how horrendous bullying could be. You could not pay me to go back to high school as a student, and I wasn't even severely picked on. As a teacher, the amount of cruel words and vicious taunts students are willing to say IN FRONT OF ME have been absolutely shocking. Unfortunately, when these bullies are addressed or get in trouble at school, it only makes things harder for those being picked on. As much love and kindness I attempt to show those I know aren't fitting in, there is a big difference between a teacher being kind to you and being accepted by your peers. I work at a very small school, and the majority of my students are wonderful kids who love and accept one another for who they are. Several of them came to private school because they were being so cruelly tormented in public school, and they are now happy and thriving with a great group of friends. Even so, there are STILL instances where bullying occurs. I can only imagine how much worse it is in large public schools (and harder for teachers to address or notice). The internet and social media only exacerbates this, and I have read several creative writing journals from students that simply broke my heart. I am not sure what the solution is to this problem, but after reading this book, I have a renewed sense that moving forward something has got to change if we want to prevent events like this from happening. Maybe emphasizing that things do get better and there is so much to live for beyond the hells of high school? I myself am going to continue reading, thinking, and praying, and have a serious discussion with my students regarding their choices and actions. I believe many of the world's problems would stop if we were simply more kind to one another... Obviously, not everyone who is bullied goes on to become a mass murderer. So many lives were senselessly lost, and this is a tragedy that is affecting our country, even 19 years later. I am no way sympathizing with or excusing the killers. That being said, I have learned that depression is very real, and my own naive thoughts about it have been challenged by experiences I have had in my own life. We can't always see what a person is going through, and even if they seem alright on the outside, we never know what they are feeling behind closed doors (Robin Williams is a perfect example of this). I cannot stress enough to parents and other educators that we need to be cognizant of what is happening to the teenagers in our care. We need to address mental health, violent threats, bullying, and depression before it reaches a dangerous level. I believe that was Klebold's purpose in publishing this difficult book, and if she can save one life because of her message, she has succeeded. I know this review has been rambling, but this book will stick with me for a long time and force me to think of my own role as someone in charge of teenagers. If you have a feeling something is off, speak up and speak out. I definitely need a break and some time to process my thoughts and feelings. This is not an easy or pleasant read, but if you are someone who interacts with teenagers on a daily basis, I cannot recommend it enough.

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